My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
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Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
Smells like a challenge to me
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”