BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
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Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
There are no pants in heaven.
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something