I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
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*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.