If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
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i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.