DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
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Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
Twitter is an abusement park.
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump