It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
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Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think