*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
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He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
*limbos under the caution tape
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…