Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
You Might Also Like
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
Mmmm. Shoeshi
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie