If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
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[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
Noted.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…