Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
You Might Also Like
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
Easy enough.
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.