My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
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Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
channeling her this year
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
okay run it by me one more time
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
Every time.
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
can’t catch a break
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.