FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
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I like donuts.
Twitter:
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
Meme Monday.
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”