My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
You Might Also Like
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10