If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
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Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think