Omg like wtf
-me, praying
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Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing