Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
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me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
Nigella has gone too far this time.
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”