Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
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I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Ironic
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
There’s always that one guy