If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
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draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
He is just living hist best little life 😊
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule