interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
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Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
look at me when i’m typing to you
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
TERMINATOR: Come with me if you *really* want to live.
[montage of them going to art galleries, swimming with dolphins, sky diving etc]
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.