I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
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Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman