My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
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By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
Thursday Thought.
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.