I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
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when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
584.
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
There are so many tornados in Ohio, the state bird is lawn furniture
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.