Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
You Might Also Like
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.