NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
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The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
Baking is just science you can eat.
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family: