My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
You Might Also Like
awesome draft from months ago i just found
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
I created you as mosquito food.
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this