One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
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If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…