Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
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I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.