Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
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Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset