The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
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Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
Plant care tips
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!