Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
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Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
A sick whale is called an unwhale
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕