I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
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Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
8: If I promise to be super super good all the way until I’m 10, can I get a phone for my 10th birthday?
Me: Ok. Can you put your lunch box away?
8: Nah, I’m kinda busy.
Me: I thought you were going to be super super good?
8: Yeah, I’m starting that when I’m 9.
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
Florida be like…
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off