[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
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Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP: