Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
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[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
Muppet Screams