Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
You Might Also Like
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito