My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
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People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”