I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
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One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
For those that worship cheese..
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”