I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
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People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
When I laugh on my period
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
The big book of baby names but for safe words
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints