ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
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Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
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people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
Chicago sounds lovely.
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.