I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
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I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money