Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
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I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help