[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
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[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
yes yes a thousand times yes!
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.