Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
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Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
why does this building look like a guilty dog
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.