The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
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*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors