sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
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Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
Potatoes were such a good idea
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
If only.
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
Passwords are more important than ever.
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating