I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
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I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.