Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
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Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!
I’ve had worse
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.