Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
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Salad is the decaf of food.
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
vegan witches, happy halloween!
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy