A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
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(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.