Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
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Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.