Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
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Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
why isn’t he texting back
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
went fishing caught a bass
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
Natty or not?
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.